15 bucks of faith
i've been looking online, checking craigslist daily, and this morning, he and i ventured out to garage sales in hopes to find the perfect little tricycle with a push handle... and prayed that God would provide.
lo and behold, at our third or fourth drive-by, i saw one. we parked and eagerly strolled across the street. the sale was full of items and there weren't too many customers yet. asher spotted the tricycle right away. i looked it over, we tried it out and then asked some questions about it. it was perfect. good condition, not pink, and came with a push handle. 15 bucks. i reached in my wallet only to realize that i'd forgotten to stop by the bank to get cash on our way. blame it on my preggo brain as of late or my lack of experience garage-saling. i only had a 10. i mentioned that i would be right back, knowing full well, it could be gone when we returned. we rushed to the nearest atm and back, praying the entire jaunt. i tried to explain to asher that it might not be there and that someone might buy it before we got back, hoping to prepare him for what could be...but i wasn't prepared for what happend upon our return.
we pulled up and parked directly across the street from the sale and i spotted the tricycle immediately. it was standing on it's own, just waiting for us. it was practically shining and gleaming with pride in the sunshine. and i thought to myself, oh God is so good and wanted to provide us the perfect tricycle and let asher know he answers prayer! the customers had picked up slightly since our first stop, so i was a wee bit worried but managed to get out of the car (confidently believing God had saved that little trike just for us), get asher and lug my growing belly and little man across the street with a 20 in hand, ready to take that thing home. it was a dual family garage sale, so i found one of the ladies selling and asked her if i could pay for the tricycle. yes, she replied as she checked the price while informing me that it was her neighbors item. i told asher we were going to buy it and then said, "i need to pay for it but then maybe you can ride it down the sidewalk to our car..." i handed the woman a 20 and reached for the push handle only to suddenly hear another woman coming from behind with a slightly raised voice say, "no, i'm buying that tricyle already!" she walked over to us quickly to claim it - a grandma, buying it for her daughter and ultimately, grandchild. she told us she had already arranged it with the other seller who was nowhere to be seen.
we walked away totally dissappointed. who knew i could be so upset over a tricycle. as i buckled asher back into the car and listened to him crying and repeating, "the lady took it away from us, mommy," and, "i want to ride it..." i was ready to start weeping myself. i did shed a couple tears, actually. i know parenting is supposedly not for the faint of heart but i'm beginning to wonder if it's actually that parenting will eventually make anyone, even the most faint of heart, no longer so.
dissappointment is a horrible feeling. and it seems even worse when you are watching someone you love, especially a little one, experience it. there are much "bigger" things i've been dissappointed about in life but this morning was just awful. i was pretty angry with the woman who got the tricycle, even though she was just doing the same thing we were...and probably loving on her daughter and grandchild in the process. we drove away from the lost tricycle, hoping to maybe see another tricycle at another sale, but did not see anything. dissappointment always looks for someone to blame (or at least, a dissappointed tasha always does)...and though my first instinct of the person to blame was the grandma, the next myself for not being more prepared and garage-sale ready, my final person of blame, was God.
God, why would you let that happen? why did you even let us see the tricycle still there and think we'd made it back in time to get it...why did you let us believe you answered in our favor only to see it (tricycle or, for the reader, fill in the blank) ripped out of our hands at the last min? and more than all of that, why in the world did you let my little son experience the dissappointment?
that last question is the hardest one for me today...and it hits this spot that has been tender in my heart since i was a little girl...wondering how to deal with having so much empathy and feeling for others in their dissappointments or pain but not having the power to change the situation.
and i can hear God patiently and gracefully asking me if i will still indeed, believe. have faith. know he is good, in control, sovereign and still the lover of our souls. and do so now, not only for the sake of my continual growth and relationship with him, but for my little 2 year old son's.
i know this may seem small - not getting a 15 dollar used tricycle - in the big scheme of things, but it is the little things that we all have to continually learn to be faithful in and maybe faith-filled in, right?
there's still 15 bucks in my pocket, no perfectly new-used tricyle sitting in our garage and a yet a string of faith that's been stretched in my heart to keep believing God, for me and for asher. and maybe, as i see my wall art displaying it's reminder to love out of the corner of my eye...since love is even greater than faith, maybe it would grow my faith to love the grandmother who "took the tricycle away," and love the unknown daughter and child of hers who will receive it by being happy that they will, even if it means we won't.